The moment that shakes you

What do you do when your partner of 15 years is told he has an 80 percent chance of dying within three months?

What do you do when two days earlier you and his good friend rush him to the ER because he can barely stand?

What do you do when two weeks prior to that, you were caring for your partner, who was very ill, but not ready to find out why?

What do you do when two months prior to that, you knew something was wrong but he wouldn’t accept help?

What do you do when one month prior to that you told your partner you needed some time apart because YOU didn’t like who YOU were anymore?

What do you do when one month prior to that you told your partner, we have to make a change – see a therapist together or on our own, but we have to do something?

What do you do?  What do you do when all of this has happened and there is NOTHING left to do? You marry him.

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We had never married. We agreed it didn’t hold value for us. But, we also joked, “maybe on one of our deathbeds.” And so together, we decided it was time.

Although my wedding day was not the beginning of my deeper questions about life – why things happen, how they happen, when they happen – it certainly woke me up. My exact words to myself and friends within earshot were, “I now know why I never got married before. Because this is exactly how it was supposed to be. There could never have been a wedding where I felt a greater expression of love than this one.”

There were numerous moments of awakening before, during and after this series of events. But it amplified starting with my wedding and my, now, husbands’ death 26 hours later on May 22, 2019, 3:36 PM. I was heartbroken. I was shaken.

But as the grieving process unfolded, I regularly revisited the idea that THIS is exactly how it is supposed to be.  That thought was equally comforting and horrifying.

Comforting because I could let go and accept. This is part of the plan – my purpose and my work in this lifetime. But horrifying because if that were true, then it was also part of the plan that my husband die at age 57 shortly after retiring from a career as a physician. A generous, brilliant, creative man was gone from this earth. And despite our own ups and downs, as two imperfect people sharing a life, we had plans in motion to start an exciting phase of life together. Who wants to accept this?! Yet, as I grieved, I couldn’t help but feel that this was now part of me becoming a more expanded version of myself. This was now my soul work.

So what do you do if you start to believe and accept that things are happening the way they are supposed to happen?

You can still resist. Fight it. Ignore it. Shut down. Break down and never return. Those are certainly options. Or you can step in.

One of my yoga students said to me when offering his condolences for my loss, “this is your journey.” It took me a few weeks to realize the power of his remark, but it became part of my own vocabulary. I added the word “sacred” which came to me from another friend offering support. She said, “this is a sacred time. ”

So this moment shook me. It awakened me to my sacred journey. At the core of this journey was my acceptance that this is exactly where I am supposed to be.