You don’t need anyone’s permission

Most of my writing comes from a thought, memory, or an event. It usually starts small until I can’t get it out of my mind. So I put it on paper, and there it grows. On a rare occasion, the writing starts big. Today is that day. This morning, I learned that Tim’s oldest brother, Bill, passed away. And for all sorts of reasons, this news is a big spoon in a giant cauldron of emotions. I can name every one of them and none surprise me. I can even say that I understand why I feel them. But there they are. And here I go.

It is important to give yourself permission to feel in grief. This is not easy for everyone. Some of us were taught very early on to bury difficult feelings – suck it up, don’t cry, just be grateful, get over it.

There are also things or events that happen to us early in life where all we can do is put on a coat of armor that will protect us from painful emotions that we may be too immature to understand. This armor can be a needed defense. It keeps us safe. But this armor is supposed to be temporary. And if we still carry it as an adult, it may become very heavy and trap us.

Greif expert David Kessler says, “our capacity for healing, hope and happiness are forever tied to our willingness to be broken-hearted…we can’t heal what we don’t feel.”

As adults, we may not be well prepared for the feelings that arise in grief. Most of us are not taught about life and death as children. Many parents choose to shield children from the circumstances or the emotions around death. Adults often mask their own emotions around a loss to protect their children. But here is something to consider. If we don’t teach our children about death and grief, where will they learn it and when? We teach them about everything else. Why not this? There are many wonderful resources, books and organizations that provide important guidance around the age, the time and the place, and the how for this to happen.

Regardless of our prior exposure to loss, there are feelings that come with grief that probably make sense to us. However, there are some that may be unexpected.

• Numbness – This feeling, that may seem like an avoidance mechanism, can actually be very helpful, especially early in the loss. It can give us a chance to funnel the feelings rather than taking it all from a fire hose, drowning, and never being able to get up off the floor. There is grace in this period of numbness before progressing so quickly into all of the emotions at once.
• Relief – We may judge ourselves when we experience the feeling of relief. And yet there it is. If we have watched someone suffer, we have carried a heavy burden with them. When the feeling of relief arises, be gentle and remind yourself that it is the suffering you wanted to end, not the life of the person. 
• Jealousy – Grief will quickly remind us of the inequities of life. Jealousy comes in different ways. If you have lost your spouse it may be hard to see happy couples. If you have lost a child, jealousy can arise when other parents are sharing the excitement of their own child’s important milestone. The examples can go on and on. Your jealousy is not meant to spite others. So again, be kind to yourself.
• Mixed feelings – When a relationship is complicated or messy, the grief may give rise to mixed feelings. A good example is losing someone that has mistreated you, disappointed you, or someone who just never showed up as the person you needed them to be. If you can learn to hold opposing feelings, you are probably grieving well. You get to grieve the parts of the person that you loved, even if your life with them wasn’t perfect.

My choice when grieving the loss of Tim was to fully dive in. To feel all of it. Not to hold back. Not to mask. Cracked wide open. At the time, I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t think about what was right or wrong. I didn’t have a guide or a plan.

What I do know now, as best as you can, let yourself feel. You don’t need anyone’s permission but your own. If we stifle and ignore these feelings, they will come up later. Find your pace for moving through them. There is no one way or no timeline that suits everyone. If we don’t feel fully, we can’t live fully.

In memory of Bill O’lenic, Tim’s big brother. May you find your brother and the peace that you deserve.

*If you’d like to learn more about grief for yourself or someone else, please follow me on my new Instagram page @grieveinsideout. I have just completed a Greif Education Certification and more information will be forthcoming about how I can serve your community, organization, or you and your friends and family.