Truths worth repeating

I have been writing regularly for over four years and have published 89 blogs on My Heart is Riding Shotgun. Most of them are timeless. I can reread and often still find myself so clearly identifying with the place I was in when I wrote it, though thankfully, I am usually not still standing there.  It’s a journey. It’s a soul ride. So yes, there is change, progress, growth, and occasionally regress. It’s hilly. 

Today, I will do something I have never done and that is repost a blog. I have been revisiting it a lot lately not because it was the most powerful, well written or favorite of mine or anyone else’s, but because it holds truths that I see very often as I work with others who are experiencing grief. So it seems like a good idea today to bring it forward in a new post.

If you have read this multiple times, thanks for being with me for so long. I have added some new photos for you! If it is new to you today, I hope you will see why I think it is valuable to repeat.

Originally posted November 18, 2022: On any given day we may look and feel a little different than a previous day.  We are formed and influenced by experiences, both good and bad, and these live in our mind and body. So we have to meet ourselves where we are. Some days are just not as good as others. Occasionally that means we have to be able and willing to sit in a place, so to speak, that is uncomfortable, perhaps both physically and emotionally.

I think this sounds an awful lot like acceptance. And, it’s okay to accept something we don’t like. In fact, we often have to. It doesn’t mean we get stuck there. It means we can better find our way out when we are ready to move forward from that place.

I continue to learn that this is particularly true in grief. Grief still serves up moments to me where I know I need to pause. So, I meet myself there. I accept it. Feel it. Learn from it. I know it will pass. And I know I will be okay.

I have also come to understand that this is a good way to offer support to someone who is experiencing grief – to meet THEM where THEY are. I have made mistakes in the past, not knowing how to help, what to say, and what to do. I have learned that the most important thing, above all, is not to avoid the griever because we fear doing or saying the wrong thing. 

We do need others by our side when we are grieving. For me, in that early period after Tim’s death, I needed it the most. I was grateful for the beautiful and kind people in my life who came to be with me, even if they weren’t physically next to me. But I have to say, I never felt better if a person tried to MAKE ME feel better. To cheer me up. To ignore the reality of the loss. To not mention Tim’s name for fear of upsetting me.

When someone we love is hurting we WANT to MAKE them feel better. I suppose that is part compassion, part drive to fix. We have our default methods for cheering someone up. For example, devising a distraction, reminding them of the positives, acting happy and hoping it’s contagious, or suggesting they will feel better if they do “fill in the blank.”

But, when a person has recently experienced the death of a loved one, it doesn’t always work the way we might expect. Because, very simply, it can’t be fixed. Why? Because there is

• no rationalization for the loss
• no bright side to it
• nothing that will fill the void of the person who is gone forever
• no better place for them to be than here
• no activity that will make you forget the loss
• no comfort in avoiding a loved one’s name

So, how do we help someone we love as they grieve a significant loss? Try this, meet THEM where THEY are, and let them be there.

• Just sit with them – literally or figuratively
• Let them feel all the feelings
• Let them cry or laugh
• Mirror their feelings
• Acknowledge the enormity of what happened
• Don’t speak in platitudes*

And there’s more:

• No one grieving wants to be told how they should or shouldn’t be acting.
• We do want to know you are thinking of us and the loved one we have lost.
• We do want to hear our loved ones’ name and how they made a difference to others.

So, I promise you, my loved ones who are grieving, I will do my best to meet you where YOU are. If you cry, I will cry with you. If you laugh, I will laugh with you. I will listen as you share stories of your loved one, and I will share in return. I promise I will see you. I will sit with you. I will not attempt to fix you. I will not try to close down your feelings of pain.

I still cry for Tim. Those tears come for all kinds of reasons. But I can tell you that I am glad for them every single time. When we cry in grief those tears are the love for the person we have lost. Let them stream down our cheeks.

* in grief usually said with love and kindness, a platitude is a statement we often repeat that has very little meaning and is not particularly helpful. Examples: At least he is no longer suffering. You will be with her again some day. You were lucky to have so many years together.