Things are different

Things are different. We’re wearing masks, working, schooling and exercising from home, and cooking more.  Restaurants and retailers are closed, or their hours and services are reduced. These are the inconveniences.

Things are different, and there is more to it than inconvenience. Speaking for myself, there is,

• A sense of isolation from being home more and alone more
• Anxiety about going out into crowds
• Questions about with whom I am comfortable interacting face to face
• Adjustments in lifestyle
• Uncertainty about what the future looks like

Things are also different when you become a widow, and the list above easily applies.

I am alone more and generally more isolated. I do like spending time alone, so that helps. But even I need a break from myself! Introverts need connection. We ARE human. I do acknowledge that it is normal to feel lonely, alone, or apart from, during this time of grieving. It is not only natural, but it’s okay. This sense of isolation has also heightened my desire and ability to connect to something deeper in myself. All of spirituality is about attempts to yoke with something meaningful.  So this mourning period has certainly provided this opportunity.

I experience some anxiety about going out into crowds. I want to see and talk to people, but I know it is not going to be in the same way that it used to be. When going out and meeting new people, it doesn’t take long, especially when living in a new place, for someone to ask, why did you move here? I am not a singular person in that story, so this leads to a conversation about Tim. I don’t intend to sound flippant, but I do like to find a way to share that story in a brief and beautiful way rather than making it a buzz kill. I have experienced a few responses at social gatherings where I could see the discomfort in a person’s body language. People not knowing what to say, looking for an escape route. I understand that. I don’t want to put others in an uncomfortable situation, however, I can only do my part. And it is my story, so if you want to get to know, you are going to hear it. But truthfully, this situation causes me to hesitate before accepting an invitation to a gathering.

I question with whom I am comfortable interacting. There is a congruent feeling that is present along with my need to share my situation with new people. I really don’t want to share my whole heart with everyone. So there is a decision, sometimes clear, but not always initially. I get to choose with whom, when and how I want to open up.  Tim is still part of my life. Just because he is not here doesn’t mean that our life together has been wiped out. So if you are going to know me, you are going to need to get to know Tim too through my stories and memories. If you are reading this, you are hearing very personal parts of my story. It’s my medium that I choose for my own healing and for supporting others (Okagesama). But on a relationship level, on an individual level, I have to decide to whom I will bear my heart.

Adjustments in lifestyle are a given. I get to enjoy the freedom of choosing what I want to do, day to day, with very little consideration of others.  Although, Hank has his demands! But, I have to work harder at some things too. Staying confident that I can do it on my own. Whatever IT is. Traveling, maintaining my home, driving cross country, financial planning. Yes, there are great people around me who offer support, seen and unseen (Okagesama!). But, first and foremost, I have to rely on myself.

I have uncertainty about what the future looks like. As previously shared, I have not been making a lot of plans. But here I am in Colorado. So what does this look like long term? I have gotten more comfortable with the unknown, but I have moments when that frightens me. What will life be like in six months?

We all have to face our own uncertainty now. We, as individuals, and certainly as a society, are dealing with numerous pain points. As much as we can, let’s remember that great beauty can come from change. It’s not comfortable. But in grief, if I allow it, I will evolve into a better version of myself. And for all of us, and our society, the same holds true.

You bet. Things are different.