The open secret

If you are on any type of social media, you may have wondered, if only for a moment, about someone else’s perfect life. As a spectator you might be thinking, do they really have it all together? Or, are they only showing their very best pictures and happiest moments? Yes. Duh. So what?

Not everyone wants to share their tough times with the world. It’s private and personal and probably saved for only the very closest circle. But don’t be fooled. We all have it. The other photos. And why is it important to remember that? Because when we think that we are the only one who experiences problems, disappointments, and pain, we feel isolated.

We all have cracks in our lives. And while we may not see these fishers shared on social media, or even in day-to-day conversations with people, let’s remember they are there. Let’s be gentle with ourselves and others. Rumi called this the Open Secret. We are all hiding something – not necessarily big or bad, but more subtle. Like we are cloaking our most human of traits out of embarrassment.

Recently, I had morning coffee with friends, a married couple. They were clearly in the middle of something that I didn’t know about. Not long after I left their house, I received a text of apology. It said, “sorry about that. I think you got to see us at our worst and stress doesn’t look good on either of us.”

My response to her – there is no reason to apologize. I added….”we don’t always GET to or HAVE to show our perfect. We and life are way too complicated for that.” Then with a laugh-til-you-cry emoji, I reminded her of an awkward moment they had to witness as Tim and I argued with each other about what the Outer Banks actually were! You know that had nothing to do with the barrier islands of North Carolina, right?

Yes, it can feel uncomfortable witnessing another couple process an issue. Those stabbing eyes. Not so subtle jabs. Big exhales. But this is the Open Secret. I have mine and you have yours. So we are both safeguarding the same one. Yes, sometimes I can be rigid, sometimes I can be judgmental, sometimes I can lack compassion. I am flawed, just like you.

I got married in jeans, in a hospice room. Not the fairytale wedding that is typically seen on social media. In my unreciprocated declaration to Tim, in front of our friends and family, I said this: “we have loved each other, we have hurt each other, we have grown together, we have grown apart, we have longed for things, we have experienced loss, we have dreamed, we have failed. We’ve done all of those things together. ……… we are two imperfect people just trying to love each other. And here we are.” 

And that is the crux of it. That is the open secret.

Rumi says the moment we accept what troubles we are facing, the door will open. Maybe this means not always showing our perfect and providing others a glimpse of the rest of it. Showing your truth – that you are not always confident but that you are sometimes insecure; that the life you have chosen is not the one you always want; or that you have fallen and have struggled to get back up.

What a relief. Giving ourselves permission to be imperfect and leading imperfect lives. And when we do this, we give others the nod to do the same. Walking together in imperfection and feeling very comfortable with that. Remember this, we are alive in this moment, and this is our soul ride. If we think we will ONLY find happiness in the perfect life, we will be disappointed until the day we leave our bodies. It may not be perfect, but who says it has to be?