Tap the breaks

May 22, 2019 was the last day of Tim’s life on Earth. The last day of the Tim that we knew and loved. And this same day was an unwanted beginning for me. A part of my own journey earned by the fact that I had met Tim on November 1, 2003 and that together we decided we made a pretty great pair. And so in love and loss, what felt like a detour, became part of my very own soul ride on May 22. I have covered some miles these last four years. Literal and figurative.

We all experience multiple losses over our life time. If you paused and took an inventory starting from childhood, you may find losses such as parental divorce, death of a pet, loss of innocence, moves, failures, broken friendships, job loss, personal breakups, death of family, friends, and partners. At first glance you may say, wow that is heavy. Thanks for adding that to my morning coffee Yve. Yes, these losses cause us pain and sorrow. But we don’t get to avoid all of them. And so they become part of our soul ride. This is the human experience. I personally have endured every example of loss in this list.

What has your soul ride been like? Do you see it as a journey? Are you driving? Or are you a passenger? How and when do you stop for fuel ups or plug ins? How often is it under construction? How do you handle pot holes? Is there a speed limit or Autobahn? Are there Incredible vistas. Blind curves. Rest areas. Billboards. Helpful people. Not so friendly strangers. Uncomfortable hotel rooms. No vacancy? Have you been in a Mini-van, an Aston Martin or an old reliable Subaru? There’s a good chance you’ve had it all.

I read stories or talk to people every week who are in all different stages of their grief after a recent or not so recent loss. Of course, it does remind me how far I have traveled from the very first loss at less than a year old, the divorce of my parents, to the most recent, the death of Tim. For the most part, I have made my own choices along the way. I have sought out resources. I have received love and support. I have worked hard to learn from pain and even my own flaws. I have felt isolated, empty, and uncertain. And I have felt an endless amount of gratitude.

We feel grief for all losses to some degree. Death always comes with grief. I have learned this construct that the death shapes the grief. Our grief will be determined in part by who we lost, the nature of our relationship, the health of our relationship, their age at death, the circumstances around the death. This makes a lot of sense to me based on my own experience. Being with Tim when he took his last breath. Seeing him surrounded by people who loved him and me. In the very strangest way, it is one of the greatest gifts I have ever received. It is how I started this grief journey. It started with love. That can never change and will always be part of me.

It’s been four years. And it goes by too fast. All of it. The before and the after. Don’t try to speed away from it. Tap the breaks. Get everything you can from the ride.

On May 22, 2019 we supported Tim out of this life as he took his last breath. Sincere love and gratitude for the friends and family who came to show their love in those last few days and to those by his side sharing this sacred moment: Leyla (Tim’s greatest love), Monica, Bill, Tom, Bryan, Amy, Isabella, Judy and Chuck

*If you’d like to learn more about grief for yourself or someone else, please follow me on Instagram @grieveinsideout. I am a Certified Greif Educator and have a variety of ways to serve you, your friends and family, your community or organization.