Plausible treasure chests

When reaching for a purse or backpack off the top shelf of the closet, what’s the greatest thing that’s dropped to the floor? For me, admittedly, it’s usually a dried up ChapStick, a pen that no longer writes, definitely coins, and probably a tissue, grocery list, a receipt or a mint from a restaurant.

When someone is physically gone from your life, little finds are true gifts that bring the weight of memories.  And while I’d be pleased by a ChapStick, there’s also the hope that something truly meaningful will be revealed. Bags, drawers, boxes, computers, phones, note pads and the pockets of clothing are all plausible treasure chests.

This reminds me. I should probably admit that all of Tim’s clothes are STILL in my closet. I wrote about this in February of 2021. And it’s still true. And in fact, the only thing that I have relinquished of Tim’s are his jeans, for Leyla’s textile project, and two guitars and a ukulele to friends. What are we supposed to do with personal belongings after someone has died? Every adult will likely face that decision at least once in life.

When my Dad died, I remember thinking that “ridding out” (as we say in the Midwest!) was nearly the first task that needed to be tackled. In fairness, my Dad had a LOT – two garages and a basement full, floor to ceiling, mostly with items related to being a mechanic. Also, Dad had often bartered for his work when people were shy on cash. We had a lot of things to manage as Mom had a desire and need to sell the house. That was a year long project.  But, the very personal items, those that were part of his daily life, the things in his closet and dresser, in my mind, needed immediate attention. Go through it. Give it away. It’s no longer needed. And Mom should not have to deal with it.

Can I just say, what the hell? And also admit, I just thought that’s what you do. I just thought I was being a helpful daughter. I don’t recall mom resisting it, but I also don’t believe we ever asked her what she wanted. We cleared out his closet the day after he died. Again, what the hell?

I know now that we really do have choices. There are reasons that belongings need to be packed up, moved, etc. But, slow down. There is more to it than that. Accepting a loved one’s death, really accepting it, can take some time. Removing all of their belongings says, they are never coming back for them. That’s a tough one to swallow in those first few days, weeks, and months.

Someone recently asked me about clearing out her partners belongings. It’s been a month since he died. She wondered, what should I keep? Only she knows the answer to that question, but I did say, once you get rid of it, it’s gone forever. So if in doubt, hang onto it for a while. Give it some time.

Honestly, it is not so unusual to keep things entirely as they were. A child’s bedroom is a good example. And if there is a question as to whether that is healthy or not, the better questions are these. Does it interfere with your life? Are you stuck in denial? Is it holding you back from processing your grief? If any of these answers are yes, it might be a good idea to work through the why behind keeping so many belongings intact. But if it is not hurting anything, and it provides comfort, then what is the harm?

When Dad died almost 13 years ago, I did the best with what I knew, but if I could go back and change that day we hastily packed up his closet, I would. There were many treasures and many choices. My mom may have elected the same route, but it should have been hers to decide.

I recently went through Tim’s pockets again, diving into that treasure chest. I guess I didn’t miss anything the first time I had done it when I had pulled out a few golf tees, a tissue, and a post it note with numbers. I would be surprised if, in another two years, I am writing a blog saying Tim’s clothes are still in that same spot. But then again, if they are, that’s between Hank and me, the ones who have to sacrifice the extra closet space.