It’s only a car

Grief changes over time. It becomes different. I believe you will hear this from most people who have been mourning a significant loss. Even still, it doesn’t really go away.  And moments will arise that will remind you of this truth.

In March 2018 Tim and I were putting plans in motion for a new phase.  He was retiring from medicine.  (and because why not, he was studying to become a Certified Financial Planner!)  I was nearly a year into my own consulting business. The intention behind every decision was to align ourselves to greater flexibility and to downsize. That meant one vehicle. Tim relinquished his sports car first, and then we decided to trade in my mid-size SUV for a new vehicle. We wanted something that would be great for a cross-country road trip and ultimately serve us well as residents of Colorado.

We agreed on an Audi SUV. I had been eyeing them for a while – the midsize Q5.  But after a test drive at the dealer, Tim said, we need to up-size. He had two main reasons.  One, it would be helpful for carrying things across the country, and two, Hank needs space.  If you don’t know Hank by now, he is our twenty-five pound dog, and he doesn’t take up much room!  But I can still hear Tim’s voice. “Hank needs space.”

And so, we got the largest of the Audi SUV’s, the Q7, and a few months later the three of us took our first road trip to Colorado. The vehicle was a bit of an adjustment for me. I was always the driver, and it felt a large. But it was comfortable, and we had all the room we needed for suitcases, golf clubs, laptops, and still an entire back seat for Hank! We stayed in Denver for six weeks as a way to practice living there and to help us determine exactly what area would be the best fit. We had a great time living in a Denver city neighborhood, so we were ready to commit to urban life. And after this six-week trial run, we got back in the Q7 and returned to North Carolina to finalize the sale of our home.

This was the one and only cross-country adventure the three of us would ever make together. Eight months later, Tim was gone, and I was left with, among many other things, a large SUV.  Since then, Hank and I have made nine more cross-country trips in the Q7. We were safe and comfortable. Hank road shotgun occasionally, but mostly I kept him in the back where he had all that space that Tim wanted him to have.

And so, after 89,000 miles and some pending costly maintenance, I knew it was once again time for car shopping.  I approached looking for a new vehicle in a very pragmatic way, but there was a strong current of emotion inside of me. This car, though it’s only a car, was so closely tied to Tim, and a plan that didn’t turn out the way we had dreamed it. I knew before this car search was over, I would have to let myself feel. Feeling is part of healing. I know this and even guide others to follow this truth. Burying feelings is a temporary solution. Eventually, they are going to find you.

As it turns out, this moment of reckoning came on an incredibly beautiful fall day. Hank and I headed on foot to our neighborhood City Park for a good long walk.  It was the kind of day where just pausing under a stunning colorful tree was a requirement, and honestly something I rarely did in the park.  So we found the right tree, a mix of sun and shade to please us both, and we sat.  And though I hadn’t planned it for this moment, I could feel the bubbling of grief inside of me, and I submitted to my feelings about letting go of this ridiculously materialistic thing – a car. And with that, I was also letting go, as I had already done countless times, of the life that we had planned six years earlier.

It was time for a conversation with Tim. I thanked him for choosing the Audi Q7 in 2018. I revisited the fun moments we all had together on that first road trip. I told him how great the vehicle has been in Colorado and how he chose the right one. I reminded myself of the many experiences I’ve had in the car solo, with Hank, and with so many visiting friends and family. I got through it right there in the park, under the tree, Hank at my side, with laughter and tears, and my decision became very clear. I did want another Q7. It was still the right vehicle for me. And I knew that Tim would absolutely support this decision and likely say, what are you waiting for?!

A week later, I pulled into the Audi dealer where I would leave the 2018 Q7 behind and drive away in a new one. And just in case I had any doubts, Tim put me at ease. As I signed the papers, I noticed I was humming to the song playing over the indoor speakers….” In my mind I’m going to Carolina. Can’t you see the sunshine, can’t you just feel the moonshine? Ain’t it just like a friend of mine to hit me from behind? Yes, I’m gone to Carolina in my mind.” I suppose one of these days my 2025 Q7 will need to head that way.