I think I’d like to avoid this

We can’t avoid it. Change, brokenness, loss is going to happen. And I say that with the utmost positivity! We don’t get to avoid it but thank goodness we don’t know when it’s coming.

All we can do is be prepared. By the way, preparing does not mean “worrying” about what might be waiting around the corner or constantly readying ourselves for the worst-case scenario.

Preparing means to be physically, mentally, and spiritually strong day to day. As best as we can. This gives us an advantage when facing difficulties. We have a greater chance of handling it with grace. This doesn’t mean it won’t be heartbreaking. It doesn’t mean it will be easy and pain free. But it means you may know the way or be more willing to find the way through.

When I look back a year, and even further, before the moment that shook me, I can identify things that helped me to be prepared – even though I didn’t know what I was preparing for.

First, I have gotten to know myself. Don’t ever confuse WHO you are WITH, or WHAT you DO, with WHO you ARE. (Go back and reread that – it’s a word twister!) We all have roles, and these are the things that could be stripped from us in a moment of change or loss – like being a wife or husband, being a tennis player or a runner, being a painter or Physician. Of course, you can describe yourself by your roles, but if you think that is all you are, what happens when it’s gone?

Elizabeth Lesser* says, “become a master of your inner landscape.”  Really know yourself. Beyond your roles. Know what stresses you, what excites, what is healthy, what is not. Know YOUR values. If you shed all your roles, what’s underneath? I have seen people in grief groups who are lost because of the death of a person they so fully identified with. Now, they have no idea who they are.

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Second, I participate in what I enjoy. This is about personal enjoyment.  Not something you do because it’s part of a role, or because it’s what your partner or your kids enjoy.  What gives you joy? Go find it. Make time for it. Because no matter what happens, you will have something to go to that is just for you. The real YOU.

Third, I have surrounded myself with good people. Find your people. Put in the energy to build mutual respect. With that comes a love that time and distance cannot take away. Enough said.

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Fourth, I (try to) be present. What does this look like? When you bring your attention to the present, your past cannot burden you. On the flip side, when you look to the future, you are seeking to satisfy yourself with something that you don’t currently have. Stuck in the past or the future is a great way to become dissatisfied.  I credit Eckhart Tolle* for teaching me this. Staying present diminishes the power of fear and anxiety. When I am living in the present and being present, it grounds me in acceptance. This IS what is, right here, right now. This is very important during difficult times because accepting what IS will help you heal.

Fifth, I practice gratitude every day. I often say it out loud. Acknowledge it. Thank you, “Universe”, (or fill in the blank). Look around. What a beautiful day.  If you don’t have gratitude when times are good, how could you have it when times are tough?

So, we can’t avoid it. And we damn well can’t spend our time worrying about it. The only thing left to do is prepare by working on your physical, mental, and spiritual self every day. As best as you can.

* Elizabeth Lesser, Broken Open: How Difficult Times Can Help Us Grow
* Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose