Do the best with what you know
I like to say that I don’t have any regrets in life. I’ve not always made the right choices and decisions. I’ve made mistakes. I’ve even done a few things that I am not proud of. But, if I am on a soul journey, I am willing to accept that it is part of the ride. And I am also accountable to acknowledge when I have done something wrong, and to put in the work to learn, and grow.
This soul work is in full swing now. I am looking back on my life, processing moments, and revisiting memories. When I reflect, and feel doubt about something I have done in the past, I am training myself to ask, “did I do the best I could with what I knew?”
I recently wrote a letter to Tim. It was an assignment from my grief counselor. I was excited about this. I love to write, and it sounded like a great healing activity. I missed the first due date. I missed the second due date. I hadn’t even started.
Finally, one morning, while at home, talking out loud to Tim about some anxiety that I was feeling, I stopped. I dropped to my knees. Then I said, “this is what I should be writing to you.” I got myself up, walked to my laptop, and typed and cried for thirty minutes straight.
This entire letter was about pain points, bordering on regrets. This was a true disciplined exploration on the question, did I do the best with what I knew? I cannot say that I am one hundred percent certain about that. I am working through this. It’s not enough to just SAY you did the best with what you knew. Because we don’t always, do we? So I am looking hard at this, because I want to grow. When we know better, we can do better.
Here is an honest account of one of the experiences I am processing. This one may seem frivolous at first, but it is an easy one to share as it’s not too complex. I also hope it is relatable. It happens to be a memory that is a tender spot in my gut right now. Substitute the particulars, and you see the emotions that lie beneath this story. This is the exact excerpt from the letter that I just wrote to Tim:
“You were so charming. You were so good to me. Remember how I resisted that? Remember how I said, if you are looking for a trophy wife, you have the wrong person. This was even before our first date! We laughed about that later. It took me at least a year to get comfortable with your gifts. I told you I didn’t need anything material. Then, it took me more than a few years to learn that you didn’t do this just for me. That your generosity had no borders. And it was one of the ways YOU fulfilled your OWN needs. I fought you on this too many times. And do you know what silly regret I have? When you gave me a gift of a vintage gold Rolex, and I made you return it. Even then, after having been together for 9 years, I didn’t realize how important this gift was to YOU. And I know I hurt you by not accepting that gift. I rarely “made” you do something. I made you return it. I am almost embarrassed by it now. It feels extremely selfish of me, to not allow you to give me something that you felt was so important and symbolic. I am truly so sorry about this. I stood too solid on my own ground – ‘I don’t need expensive gifts. I am not that girl. I am not a trophy wife.’ I was so selfish. I’m sorry Tim. It was NOT JUST a Rolex.“
This is classic hindsight. Did I do the best I could with what I knew? All I could think of at the time was how much the watch cost, and how infrequently I would probably wear it. I felt that my reasoning was correct. And maybe in fairness to me, there were many years after this moment that I continued to learn about and appreciate the depth of Tim’s need to give to others. I hadn’t fully grasped that yet.
When we take time to explore moments from our past, it is possible that we are too hard on ourselves or others because, perhaps, we DO know better NOW. And I question if it really helps any of us to hold that grudge toward ourselves or someone else. Can we give ourselves a break?
Hindsight really does mean that we now have more information than we had then. And so maybe that is the question to ask. Not, was I wrong then? But instead, based on what I know now, would I do it differently? So if the answer is yes, I would do it differently, then pat yourself on the back. Acknowledge that you have learned, and now you know better. And next time you WILL DO better.
Don’t regret. We are not capable of leading a perfect life. And it is really a cliché and a luxury to even try to follow the motto of living everyday like it’s your last. I have come to believe that the more reasonable and truthful way for me to live is to do the best with what I know.
Every day is an opportunity to learn from the past. Every day you haven’t learned something new is a day wasted.
I guess there are even little things we learn each day. They might even feel minor at the time. Like how to shoot bear spray. But, one day, I may appreciate having that knowledge!
Diving into your blogs today to strengthen myself. Your family supported your mom with the best of what you all could provide. In the morning we may have radient health and in the evening we may be white ashes.
Thanks for sharing from the ❤️
Carole it is what I feel called to do. I am so happy to have you reading as you go through your own grieving process.
I read your post on soul ride and I cried ! Tim was so full of life and so generous! You were the lucky recipient of that ! No worries sweet Yvette we all do our best ! Live and learn as we all do every day!
Many received Tim’s generosity and yes, I was lucky to as well. It is not always easy to accept things. Feels selfish, but the big realization to me is that it was selfish to not accept. Tim loved to give. Thanks for reading Marci.
I would do different. That said, I’m so thankful I didn’t because I wouldn’t be where I am today. “We are imperfect people trying to love each other.” Yve. So, per what we know now, and as we grow, we keep getting better and better at that!
Yes, we land where our actions take us. And if we are lucky we can be happy about that rather than feel a victim. Thanks for the reminder of my own “vows.” Love you.
I remember the time we were in New Orleans for Jazz fest and we had gone to the casino. Tim was playing Craps and we were watching. I wasn’t playing (not much of a gambler) and Tim handed me a bunch of his chips and insisted I play. I actually won a bunch of money and against his wishes I gave it to him
because I told him I was playing with his money. You and Tim left before us and later in the morning after you left, I noticed that he had shoved a few hundred dollars under my door. Don’t know if you ever knew that.
Tony – thank you for reading and for sharing this with me. I remember that time and playing craps. I didn’t know any of this, but it does not surprise me at all! Your story made me laugh with tears. Thanks so much Tony.
I am sad that I didn’t “do different” and like others have realized, this is the stuff of self-lessons learned. As I ponder the biggest regrets, they usually were driven my fear and selfishness. Lately I have been remembering the practice of following my gut Finally… I am realizing that the sum total of regrets and successes comprise a trustworthy intuition that can serve me well. Still practicing….. thanks Yve for your thoughtful and evocative blogging!
Laura – I appreciate you sharing your own feelings and thoughts.
Powerful read; hit me hard. Thanks for this, Yvette!! xo
Thanks for reading and sharing your feelings in return.
This was beautiful and meaningful for me, Yvetter. Thank you.
I think you know Mark and I were responsible for my parents for about the last 10 years of their lives. It was a really hard time for us — my parents were wonderful people, but had not planned for their old age at all, and suffered from dementia in their final years. The financial expense of their care in assisted living was immense – and they hated living there, even though it was a beautiful facility — but we simply couldn’t have them live with us for a host of reasons.
During the last few years my patience with my parents ran thin and there was great strain on my marriage. It was hard to give so much, financially and emotionally, and feel my mom and dad were never satisfied or happy. They were grateful, but miserable. I tried hard to be kind and patient, and see myself as a kind and patient person, but I fell short — I lost my temper way too many times. Makes me feel ashamed.
Intellectually I understood that since I had made the decision to be responsible for my parents, I might as well find joy in it — but I couldn’t. Intellectually, I also understood that I could not take responsibility for their happiness, yet somehow it felt like their misery was a reflection on me – like I had failed.
Now they are both gone and I have a hard time not feeling all sorts of guilt and regret, wasted emotions I know, but this isn’t a chance I’ll get again. One time during meditation, though, I had the realization that my parents knew how hard I was trying, and how hard the situation was for all of us, and that of course they would forgive me – and I need to forgive them too.
I am still working on it, but I wanted to let you know that I’m enjoying your blog, and this post was especially moving for me.
Sending you lots of love,
Rebecca
Rebecca thank you for this powerful and very personal share. Grief certainly gives us an opportunity for review. We need to talk soon. Miss you.
Thank you. Yes, I would love to talk. Maybe we should just arrange a time? I’ll respond to your FB message and we’ll work on a time to connect – maybe we can zoom so we can see each other. Love, Rebecca
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