A little uncomfortable

How many times have you been asked, where do you see yourself in five years? It’s one of those outdated interview questions, but some variation of it comes up now and again.

I have never been really good at answering that. My generic response would typically sound something like, happy, healthy, successful. Not knowing where I’m going to be in five years doesn’t mean I am a nomad, job hopper, or serial monogamist. Up until fairly recently, I had the same employer for 22 years, lived in the same home for 15 years, and had a committed relationship for 16 years. I am not a dreamer or a wanderer. I am a realist. And yet, it is hard for me to verbalize a five-year plan.

If I am to be honest with myself, I suspect it has a little to do with fear of abandonment. Something lingering from childhood. Don’t make a commitment. Don’t count on something or someone long term – it could be taken away. I am realizing that my entire life I have been putting myself in situations that feel just uncomfortable enough to keep me on my toes. Developing that muscle memory for the moment when any perceived plan falls apart and all I can count on is myself. Yea, that sounds like an issue a therapist could spend some time dissecting with me. Anyway….

I recently did something that I never knew I wanted to do. It wasn’t in a five-year plan or on a bucket list. I hadn’t even heard of it until I saw pictures in a social media hiking group of which I am a member. It’s called a Via Ferrata. First, let me explain what it is. Via Ferrata means Iron Way in Italian. It is a one-way mountain route made accessible to climbers and hikers through fixed ladders and cables. When I learned of it, for some reason, I just knew I had to do it. I was planning it on my own, with a hired guide, and then asked some friends who would be visiting soon if they were interested. Yes, they were eager and so Tim, Katie and their girls, Maggie and Riley, joined the adventure.

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A fear of heights is probably the first thing that would keep a person from doing a Via Ferrata. Although my friend Katie had this fear and did it anyway. She was a rockstar! Other barriers might be, can I physically handle it, what if I panic, is it too dangerous, or just plain, why would anyone ever want to do such a thing?!  My only concern was the danger or risk. And I did carry that with me. As it turns out, the night before we were scheduled, we randomly came across a news report that a 53-year-old women had fallen to her death five days earlier on the exact route we were going to take. How do you get that out of your head? You just don’t.

For all of these reasons, I was very focused – even stoic. The only step and clip that mattered was the one that I was on. The one ahead of me barely even earned my attention. In this way, I felt forced, out of necessity, to be fixated on the moment and task directly in front of me. It was definitely uncomfortable, and it was a rush. My average heart rate was 131!  This felt like a great accomplishment and I would certainly do it again. But when I look at the photos that were taken for us, I think, are you kidding me!

My experience on the Telluride Via Feratta seems like a pretty good analogy for many of my life situations. I have enough of a plan to know that there is a route. There are definitely rungs and footholds that I use along the way. I need them. I want to feel secure. I also have cables that I clip into at certain times. I like feeling empowered to make my own decisions and to put one foot next to the other to propel myself forward, to clip and unclip. These decisions are all up to me. I have to be able to rely on myself.

I gravitate toward the choices that keep my mind, body and spirit active. I don’t want a short or long-term plan that makes me complacent. I want to sustain that muscle memory. So, where will I be in five years. I truly have no idea. All that I hope for is this – that I am happy, healthy, successful AND a little uncomfortable.