The power of a pronoun

I have always been an “I”. I have made decisions for myself. I have acted as an individual. That has been important to me for a long time. My Mom would probably tell you, for a very long time.

However, it dawned on me after Tim’s death, that I was also a “WE.” It’s not that I didn’t know that. We were a committed couple together for nearly 16 years. But suddenly, I felt it in a different way, because when you say “WE” when the other part of your “WE” is no longer there, it is unsettling.

WE bought a house in Denver. WE went to Portugal for my 50^th birthday. WE had Hank’s DNA tested.  Changing the “WE” to an “I” doesn’t make sense. And it doesn’t feel truthful, because it’s not. And yet, how do you keep saying WE without causing yourself or others to shudder?

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This reminds me of a description about the great loneliness provided by Elisabeth Lesser. Because yes, it can feel lonely when you are no longer part of a plural pronoun.

“…like the loneliness a caterpillar endures when she wraps herself in a silky shroud and begins the long transformation from chrysalis to butterfly. It seems that we too must go through such a time, when life as we have known it is over – when being a caterpillar feels somehow false and yet we don’t know who we are supposed to become. All we know is that something bigger is calling us to change. And though we must make the journey alone, and even if suffering is our only companion, soon enough we will become a butterfly…”

I am transitioning away from being a WE. It is forced upon me. It is necessary. Now, in the present, I am truly, solely an “I.”

We, humans, turn ourselves into a plural pronoun for all kinds of reasons – animal instinct, desire to procreate, fear, control, expectations of others, loneliness, soul connection, lust, and the list goes on.

Though I never lost my identity as an individual, it is not a simple task to hang onto yourself. I think it requires as much work to do that as it does to build a successful relationship with a partner.

This takes me back to Blog 2. I felt that I was better prepared for the “moment that shook me” because I had gotten to know myself. Don’t ever confuse WHO you are WITH, or WHAT you DO, with WHO you ARE. We all have roles, and these are the things that could be stripped from us in a moment of change or loss. So you can be part of a WE, but if you think that is all you are, what happens when it’s gone?

So what do I do with this metamorphosis disguised as an English lesson?

I will hang on to gratitude for being part of that WE, and I will joyously reference our memories for the rest of my life. WE built a log home in Virginia. WE cried together watching Barack Obama’s acceptance speech. WE hosted a huge party for our home’s 100^th birthday.

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I will relive moments as part of that WE with others who knew Tim and will introduce newcomers to Tim in the same way, when they enter my life.

I will feel empowered when I speak of myself, as an “I.” Remembering that I do know who I am, and I will continue to work hard, to maintain that self.

This is a transition time for me, just like the caterpillar, I am forced into change, which ultimately WILL change me (already has changed me). There may be a different WE in my future, and as part of our own journeys, we will find US. But, for certain, there will always be me, as an individual. I get to continue to become a more expanded version of myself. And I know that my life with Tim is one of the significant parts of me, and regardless of my future, he and I will always be a WE.