Do the best with what you know

Do the best with what you know

July 4, 2020 20 By Yve Harrold

I like to say that I don’t have any regrets in life. I’ve not always made the right choices and decisions. I’ve made mistakes. I’ve even done a few things that I am not proud of. But, if I am on a soul journey, I am willing to accept that it is part of the ride. And I am also accountable to acknowledge when I have done something wrong, and to put in the work to learn, and grow.

This soul work is in full swing now. I am looking back on my life, processing moments, and revisiting memories. When I reflect, and feel doubt about something I have done in the past, I am training myself to ask, “did I do the best I could with what I knew?”

I recently wrote a letter to Tim. It was an assignment from my grief counselor. I was excited about this. I love to write, and it sounded like a great healing activity. I missed the first due date. I missed the second due date. I hadn’t even started.

Finally, one morning, while at home, talking out loud to Tim about some anxiety that I was feeling, I stopped. I dropped to my knees. Then I said, “this is what I should be writing to you.” I got myself up, walked to my laptop, and typed and cried for thirty minutes straight.

This entire letter was about pain points, bordering on regrets. This was a true disciplined exploration on the question, did I do the best with what I knew? I cannot say that I am one hundred percent certain about that. I am working through this. It’s not enough to just SAY you did the best with what you knew. Because we don’t always, do we? So I am looking hard at this, because I want to grow. When we know better, we can do better.

Here is an honest account of one of the experiences I am processing. This one may seem frivolous at first, but it is an easy one to share as it’s not too complex.  I also hope it is relatable. It happens to be a memory that is a tender spot in my gut right now. Substitute the particulars, and you see the emotions that lie beneath this story. This is the exact excerpt from the letter that I just wrote to Tim:

You were so charming. You were so good to me. Remember how I resisted that? Remember how I said, if you are looking for a trophy wife, you have the wrong person. This was even before our first date! We laughed about that later. It took me at least a year to get comfortable with your gifts. I told you I didn’t need anything material. Then, it took me more than a few years to learn that you didn’t do this just for me. That your generosity had no borders. And it was one of the ways YOU fulfilled your OWN needs. I fought you on this too many times.  And do you know what silly regret I have? When you gave me a gift of a vintage gold Rolex, and I made you return it. Even then, after having been together for 9 years, I didn’t realize how important this gift was to YOU.  And I know I hurt you by not accepting that gift. I rarely “made” you do something. I made you return it. I am almost embarrassed by it now. It feels extremely selfish of me, to not allow you to give me something that you felt was so important and symbolic. I am truly so sorry about this. I stood too solid on my own ground – ‘I don’t need expensive gifts. I am not that girl. I am not a trophy wife.’ I was so selfish. I’m sorry Tim. It was NOT JUST a Rolex.

This is classic hindsight. Did I do the best I could with what I knew? All I could think of at the time was how much the watch cost, and how infrequently I would probably wear it. I felt that my reasoning was correct. And maybe in fairness to me, there were many years after this moment that I continued to learn about and appreciate the depth of Tim’s need to give to others. I hadn’t fully grasped that yet.

When we take time to explore moments from our past, it is possible that we are too hard on ourselves or others because, perhaps, we DO know better NOW.  And I question if it really helps any of us to hold that grudge toward ourselves or someone else.  Can we give ourselves a break?

Hindsight really does mean that we now have more information than we had then.  And so maybe that is the question to ask. Not, was I wrong then? But instead, based on what I know now, would I do it differently? So if the answer is yes, I would do it differently, then pat yourself on the back. Acknowledge that you have learned, and now you know better. And next time you WILL DO better.

Don’t regret. We are not capable of leading a perfect life. And it is really a cliché and a luxury to even try to follow the motto of living everyday like it’s your last. I have come to believe that the more reasonable and truthful way for me to live is to do the best with what I know.