Oranges

There are all kinds of changes that can occur in our habits and abilities when experiencing the loss of someone we love. Grief can take over in unanticipated ways. After Tim died, I found reading a book to be immensely frustrating. It was difficult for me to concentrate beyond a few pages at a time. I couldn’t enter a fictional world. Leaving my own reality for too long felt an even greater distance from Tim. My brain battled anything that was frivolous or even seemingly invaluable to making my way on this grief journey.

I’ve been an avid fiction reader from a young age, so I didn’t understand how this was happening at first. But as I learned more about grief and how it can affect us cognitively, it began to make sense and I tried to be more patient with myself.  I eventually decided to integrate audio books into my life. I did so begrudgingly, as part of a good read for me is physically holding a book in my hands. How it engages the sense of smell and touch. Turning the pages. Underlining a thought to revisit. Highlighting a word I needed to research.  Anyway, I did find that audio books were mildly less frustrating, and I also liked the idea of listening while driving, house cleaning, and even laying still with my eyes closed.

I’m happy to say, five years into this grief journey, I’m mostly fully engaged with reading and have covered some wonderful ground, especially this year. However, I still keep audio books in the mix. I like having choices depending on the type of book or even how quickly I can access them through the library.

This week I began listening to Signs, The Secret Language of the Universe, by Laura Lynn Jackson. She writes about how to recognize and interpret messages from loved ones and guides from the “other side.” She shares her own insights as well as stories from others who’ve experienced “unexplained synchronicities.” My friend Cristina recommended the book to me, and I was satisfied when it became available, on audio, in my library cue. And, to my utter joy, in the first chapter, I had an “unexplained synchronicity” while listening to the book!

The writer shares a personal story of a time when she asked for a specific sign from the universe. She was having a moment of self-doubt about whether she had delivered her message effectively while speaking in front of a very large group. In this moment she decided to seek affirmation from the universe by asking for an orange – just send an orange and I will know I delivered what the audience needed. You can read more about this in her book, but my point is this. As I was listening to my new audio book for the first time, the writer was talking about oranges as a message to her from the universe. It didn’t hit me immediately, but as I continued walking with Hank in the park, and listening, I realized something. 

At that very moment, I was wearing a t-shirt with an orange on it. Not an orange shirt. But a t-shirt with an orange on it.  The only t-shirt, of probably 30 in my dresser, with an orange on it. How many people even have a t-shirt with an orange on it? I do. And so with a smirk on my face, I continued walking feeling light and giddy. I got a sign when I was reading Signs.

What was the message from the Universe? Maybe that yes, this is real – what you have experienced is real. Maybe, thanks for tuning in and believing. Maybe even, it was an affirmation from Tim. This t-shirt with the orange, after all, is from our often frequented, favorite pizza place in Phoenix.

As I first wrote in May 2021, https://mysoulride.com/coincidence/, I had been receiving many, many signs in the first few years after Tim’s death. To me they were messages from him. Without a doubt. And as I also said, I don’t have any scientifically agreed upon data that this phenomenon is proven. But for me, I just know. And honestly, long before Tim’s death it was something I saw, heard, and somehow understood.

I continue to believe as I hear from Tim and from Mom (the Watergate Salad moment!). And when I experience other meaningful synchronicities, I pause. I find great joy in them. Sometimes they even steer me in a certain direction regarding a decision, or they may literally change my course. Like the day when I had three separate “roadblocks” as I was attempting to leave the house and exit the city for a hike. After the third one, I said, okay, I hear you. And I turned the car around and went home.  I don’t know what I was avoiding or receiving by that change in direction that day, and that’s okay with me. But it seemed like the universe was trying really hard to let me know something.

This is a very personal subject as it touches on our most sacred beliefs about life and death. Life after death. Religion. God. Spirit. I won’t debate on these topics, but I will say I like how Laura Lynn Jackson puts it. She says that the language of the universe comes from three distinct sources – god energy (the highest and most powerful source of love), spirit guides (angels), and loved ones who have crossed. She calls this is our “team of light.”

When Tim was still on this Earth, he and I would often marvel at, what some would casually call, a coincidence. Most “famously” we had our number 10-10-10, which regularly appeared in our lives. When it did, we would look at each other and one of us would say with raised eyebrows and a head tilt, “coincidence?” and the other would respond, “I don’t think so.”

These days, when my team of light is at work, I usually respond with a WTF followed by a thank you. Now, I’d like to grab my ear buds and take a walk with my book and my t-shirt with an orange on it and see what else I can explore about this great mystery.