Secret Angels

I left my hometown in Indiana two months after my 18^th birthday. I have lived in Johannesburg, Chicago, Atlanta, Charlotte, Davidson, Phoenix and now, Denver. It might sound like a lot of moves, but, I had a long stay in North Carolina – 21 years which included 8 years in Charlotte and 13 in Davidson.

Tim and I often talked about moving. Mostly it was just an inkling or a what-if – a result of Tim’s action potential (see https://mysoulride.com/its-about-time/).  But when Tim finally settled on a date to retire from medicine, we got serious about the discussion.  We always knew we would head “west.” I would say that Tim’s priority was finding like-minded neighbors and friends, because sadly, we would be leaving many great ones behind. My biggest desire mostly revolved around the climate. And we both wanted access to outdoor activities, culture, and an airport with direct flights to most places.

We considered San Diego, Bend, Phoenix, Tucson, Sedona, and Tim’s top choice, Denver, Colorado.  It was a place he had discovered at an earlier stage in life, long before we met, and he returned to Colorado to ski most winters.

Tim campaigned for Colorado for several years. We visited a few times, explored Colorado Springs and Fort Collins, and eventually we became more focused on Denver. I was always clear with Tim that I wasn’t against Colorado, and if it was what he wanted, I was on board. But he knew my main requirement – to keep cold, grey winters in my past, not my present. So the number one promise was sunshine. Denver averages 300 days of it per year which, for a place with four seasons, is a pretty good selling point I guess.

Tim and I had a conversation that I will never forget in his final days of life. He asked, “are you going to go to Denver?” And I replied with surprising certainty, “Yes, I will.” Then he said, “I really wanted to take you there.”  Honestly, recalling this moment nearly makes me double over. I can’t think of it without tears. Not yet. Tim and I had purchased a home in Denver just five months earlier. And due to a number of reasons, including our own struggle as partners, we had not yet moved there together.

So here I am. I road tripped to Denver within a few days of Tim’s celebration of life. It wasn’t permanent, but it was a start. Hank and I spent 10 weeks here. As it turns out, Colorado was the perfect place for me to grieve. Then we returned to Davidson to the comfort of our friends and to continue healing. Eight months later, exactly 1 year and one week after Tim’s death, Hank and I road tripped back to Denver to make it permanent.

I ask myself often, how did I get here? Not just here in Denver, but HERE, living THIS life. Anyone who has lost their partner can tell you it’s a question that replays in your mind over and over. How is this my life?

Somehow I was guided to this place and this space through sliding doors. I could have declined the move to Denver after Tim’s death. But I didn’t. For reasons I probably can’t fully describe, I just knew it was right. I never doubted it for a moment.

Another poignant exchange with Tim a few weeks before he passed away, when he was sick but before we knew the extent of what was happening, he said, “you are being so good to me, someday I am going to take care of you again.” And in a way that I would have never imagined, I just know that he is. That someday is now every day.

I recently read a passage from John O’Donohue that describes what I am humbly trying to put into words:

“When we lose someone to death…they slip out of visible form into invisible presence. …though they cannot reappear, they continue to be near us and part of the healing of grief is the refinement of our hearts whereby we come to sense their loving nearness… In their new, transfigured presence, their compassion, understanding and love take on a divine depth, enabling them to become secret angels guiding and sheltering the unfolding of our destiny.”