I never got my Aston Martin

What if, during this lifetime, we did everything we could have ever hoped for. That doesn’t mean we didn’t make mistakes. It doesn’t mean we wouldn’t take any do over’s. But what if, for the most part, we had and did more than we ever imagined we would or could?

Tim went through a lot in the first 48 hours of being hospitalized during what turned out to be the final week of his life. Medications, needles, tests and much more. Sometime around that 2-day mark, we had a very direct conversation with the specialist dedicated to him at that moment. And just like that, we both understood. Tim didn’t have much time, and he was resolute about his path for the remaining days of his life. After the doctor left the room, we were alone. I was sitting on the bed with Tim, and he said, “I can’t believe I’m going to die.” There was silence as we held hands and just looked at each other, because what else do you do. And then he said with just as much reverence, “Fuck, I never got my Aston Martin.” That broke the ice. We shared a smile and a laugh, and then I laid down next to him and we closed our eyes.

At that moment, I thought those words were only about the Aston Martin. It had been a running joke, for years, on every gift-giving holiday. “So did you decide on the red or the black interior?” “When will it be delivered?” “It will be a great day to take the Aston Martin out when it gets here.” Yes, it was his dream car – the Aston Martin DB9.  We would occasionally see one during our travels, and he always stopped for a photo.

Who knows what a person goes through when they know they are going to die. Whether we have a few months or days warning or none at all. Whether we are conscious or not.

I can’t say that I know exactly what was in Tim’s head at the time. And later, I regretted that I didn’t probe more about that moment and many others during those last weeks. But at the time, I know that I just wanted him to be comforted. Surrounded by love. And unworried about anything. So there were simply some conversations we just didn’t prioritize.

For months following Tim’s death, I replayed every single moment of that last week of his life in my head. And one day, as I reexamined the Aston Martin reference, it sounded different to me.

I have come to believe, upon reflection, that what Tim actually meant is not exactly what it appeared on the surface.  When Tim said, “Fuck, I never got my Aston Martin,” I believe what he was feeling was something like this:

Wow. I had more than I could have ever hoped for. I am one lucky man. I accomplished so much. I brought a little girl into this world. I saved lives and helped bring thousands of babies into their families. I have incredible friends. I have traveled the world. I have made some of my crazy dreams come true. And there is literally just one thing missing. The Aston Martin. How about that. How lucky am I?

Tim had big dreams. He had big ideas. And I do believe as he prepared for death, he realized that he truly had more than he could have ever hoped for.

And as it turns out, he got to do some pretty cool things. He even lived vicariously through others’ car hobbies. Our friend Ken raced him around Virginia International Raceway in his Lotus Exige S. And also on that day, Ken’s friend, Michal, did the same with Tim in his KTM X-Bow. That day, you could not wipe the smile from Tim’s face.

Another friend of ours, Chuck, has had a 1975 Triumph TR6 sitting in his garage for over ten years, unfortunately not road-worthy. Tim prodded Chuck on many occasions about getting it fixed. Yes, another attempt to get a ride in a cool car. When you don’t have your Aston Martin, this is what you have to do.

Last fall, while  I was visiting Chuck, he informed me that the TR6 became a pandemic project and it was ready to go for a ride. This was one happy moment for me. Taking that ride with Chuck in the TR6 for Tim. Although I was the one in the seat, I know Tim was with us, hair blowing, huge smile on his face and his signature laugh cruising down the back roads of Davidson with a best friend in his classic car.  

Last month, on what would have been Tim’s 60^th birthday, I had a chance to fulfill one more car dream for Tim. In recent years, he couldn’t stop talking about self-driving cars. He was intrigued by Elon Musk in particular. So I took his ashes for a ride in a self-driving Tesla Model Y.

Yes, Tim would have loved to have his very own Aston Martin. But I believe, as he took stock of his life, he found humor in the truth that it may have actually been the only thing missing.